Roach
by dentedsky
Summary: Lucius knows better than anyone, that if Harry Potter is dating Draco Malfoy, the World is about to End. Slash, obviously.


**Roach  
**by dented-sky

Lucius-centric, Harry/Draco, humour

* * *

Words tend to spread quite quickly, as if the English language was made up of warm margarine. Anyone who was close to Harry Potter found out first. And anyone who was close to those who were close to Potter found out second. And anyone who was fortunate enough to hear the news was shocked. And anyone who was shocked to hear the news wondered if the word 'shocked' was actually an understatement.

Harry Potter was coming to Malfoy Manor over the Christmas Holidays.

Lucius Malfoy had to admit to himself that he was quite surprised when he found out. "Oh?" he said to his son while his head was stuck in the floo. He blinked rapidly, looking at his son's slightly apprehensive face. "Coming home with you, is he?"

Draco lifted his pointed chin. "Yes, Father. We've been… _friends_ for some time now, and I would like to show him the Manor. Besides, I hate to think of his staying here by himself over the holidays; the only friend he would have here is Dumbledore."

Lucius twisted his mouth into a sneer, and Draco mimicked it. Can't have Harry Potter staying all alone with Dumbledore, no no no, that sort of thing is bad for business.

"Alright, Draco, thank you for informing me of your decision."

Lucius braced himself and pulled his head from the fire. When he turned around, he yelled in surprise.

The Dark Lord stood over him; dark, hairless, ominous and very, very ugly. "Oh, hello M'Lord. Didn't see you there, aha-ha."

"Evening, Lusssiusssss," the Dark Lord greeted in his high-pitched voice. "Took sssome brandy, couldn't help overhearing - hope you don't mind."

"Oh no, not at all, M'Lord," Lucius lied solemnly.

The Dark Lord watched him with sharp red eyes. "I have ressseived new information from My Ssspy At Hogwartsss about your ssson. It would ssseem My Ssspy At Hogwartsss - "

"M'Lord, I think we both know Your Spy At Hogwarts is in fact Snape," Lucius interrupted, who was already getting a headache from all the hissing. "You don't need to use code words with me."

"Mmm yesss, quite, good point, Lusssiusss. Now, asss I wasss sssaying, it would ssseem that your ssson appearsss to have become… that isss to sssay, he isss a… a… a… ho. Hohh. Hoooooooo."

It appeared to Lucius then that his master was having difficulties saying something. His master, he knew, was a very bigoted… thing, and in so being this prejudiced creature, he found it hard to say words he deemed disgusting.

"Hoooo… ho. Hooh, hommm."

"Do you mean 'whore', M'Lord?" Though really, no body needed His Spy At Hogwarts to tell anyone that Draco Malfoy was a whore. Anyone who was anyone usually saw the noun on first glance as if it were strapped to Draco's beautiful little backside.

"Hom," said the Dark Lord. "Hooooomm-oh."

"Oh," said Lucius, "I see. You mean 'homosexual'. Er, M'Lord," he added quickly.

"Yes, that's the word," said the Dark Lord happily. "Your son is a hohh. Moh."

"Homosexual," Lucius corrected again. And then he blinked. "Wait - my son is a, a, a, a… oh dear."

Lucius half ran across the room to the cabinet, where he poured a glass of brandy for himself. His master spoke to him gleefully. "No, you sssee Lusssiusss, in thisss inssstanssse it isss good. It isss rumored that your ssson is having sssex with my arch nemesssissssss!"

Lucius whipped around and stared at his master. "Good god, you mean to tell me my son is having sex with - with -"

"Yesss."

"- Dumbledore?!"

"No, Lusssiusss, pay attention."

Two days later, Lucius and Narcissa picked up their son and his… new friend from the train station and brought them home. Lucius and his master had made plans, which mainly consisted of locking Potter in a room and killing him somehow. Near platform nine and three-quarters was a little floo station, and the little group was home quickly.

"This is our floo room," Draco explained to Potter, who was looking around, bewildered. "These fireplaces aren't dirty, you see - and this is our main corridor, which goes on and on forever so it's best you don't get lost. Anyway, down these stairs is the entrance hall, then across from them is the dining room - "

"Which we will be dining in shortly," Lucius cut in sharply. He did not like the way Draco and Potter's hands kept brushing each other as they walked side-by-side. Also, Lucius was getting exceedingly nervous. He remembered Harry Potter as some skinny little child tied to a tomb stone and bleeding from his arm. Now Potter was tall, matching his son's height, lean, and had a rough, barbaric quality to him. His hair was still a mess but was styled fashionably, and his jaw was slightly rough as if he had not shaved for a few days. But it was his face that caught Lucius off guard: large, green eyes, no glasses and a confidence that Lucius had never imagined would be there.

While the young couple wandered around the Manor, Lucius and Narcissa stood in the dining room. She was looking out the window at the snow-covered garden, when he snaked his arms around her waist and leaned down to kiss her neck. Seeing Draco and Potter together made him nostalgic for his lost youth.

Narcissa sighed and leaned against him. "Such a lovely boy, that Potter."

Lucius clenched his jaw. "They're together, you know. Like -" He grimaced. "Like _homosexuals._"

"Yes Lucius, I did notice."

"You did?"

She turned her head and gave him a quick peck on the lips. "We were young once too, you know. And in love…"

"They are not in love!" he snapped.

"Oh Lucius," Narcissa complained as she pulled away. "Must you always make things difficult?"

For dinner, Lucius sat at the head of the table, Narcissa at his left and Draco and Potter at his right. "So, Potter," he drawled, "what do you plan to do when you leave school?"

"Oh um," Potter mumbled, "probably, um, er, become a, er, Auror?"

"Splendid," Lucius grumbled.

Narcissa reached over the table and patted Potter's hand, giving him a smile. "Don't worry about him, Harry; he's had a difficult day, haven't you dear?" Lucius opened his mouth but Narcissa didn't give him a chance to speak, her attention back to the half-blood. "Now, Harry, you _must_ call me Mum."

All three men stopped eating and stared at her.

"Yes, dear, that's right," she continued to Potter as if he had just said something polite. "Now tell me, have you and Draco discussed wedding arrangements?"

SLAM, went Lucius's heart. He felt as if he were on the brink of having a massive cardiac arrest.

Potter was choking on his food.

"Marriage?!" Draco shouted at his mother.

"Well yes, darling," she said serenely. "Now, I'm not quite sure how we're going to get children out of you two - "

"Children?" said Potter weakly.

"I can't have children, Mummy," said Draco fretfully, "it would ruin my beautiful figure."

Narcissa nodded. "That is true, good point, Draco, can't have that."

"Um, children?" Potter repeated.

"Yes, you stupid boy," Lucius growled at him. Best he lose his temper at the guest than at his family. He smoothed over his hair with a shaky hand. "I think," he muttered a little more calmly, "I must take my leave now. I feel I have lost my appetite."

That night Lucius could not sleep. He tossed and turned in the large bed he shared with his wife.

Lucius believed, truly, that he was a fair man. He gave his son pretty shiny things and all the hair products he wanted. Was it so much to ask for a little heterosexuality in return? A son with a pretty wife? Some grandchildren, perhaps? And no, it was not his own fault, he promised himself. It's all Potter's fault - he was the one who'd made Draco this way.

Although, truly, Lucius felt that killing the boy because of what he had made Draco become was a tad drastic. Surely there was another way to punish; just some whippings and things would do, really. A little trip down into the torture chamber, that would do, and Lucius would enjoy that much more.

He took to the little study he had been in earlier; a craving, for some more of that brandy, sat heavily on his tongue. He opened the door and quietly shut it again.

When he lifted his head, he yelped in surprise, again.

He hated it when that happened.

Candles had been lit around the room, though they did not light up the figures standing in the dark corners. In the middle of the room the Dark Lord stood. Off to the side a bit, hanging upside down from the ceiling, his arms bound to his body and his mouth gagged, Potter swung.

"Good morning, Luciusss," said the Dark Lord, "ssso good of you to join usss."

There was some tittering from the two people Lucius couldn't see. The Dark Lord pointed a finger at Potter and gave him a little nudge.

Potter started swinging back and forth. He glared.

"Now what, my dear boy, shall we do with you?" He reached into his pocket and brought out his wand. "_Finite._"

The ropes binding Potter sizzled and disappeared, and Potter fell to the floor, landing very ungracefully.

Immediately Potter's wand was out and he shouted, "_Avada kadavra!_"

Lucius's master fell to the floor with a _wump_, twitching. There was a shriek and one of the people from the back rushed forward. Lucius identified her as a sooty, ragged version of his sister-in-law, Bellatrix.

"Um, he's not dead, er, yet," Potter muttered to himself. "_Fereveroach!_" And there was a flash of magic, and Master disappeared.

But, Lucius double-checked, he wasn't quite gone…

Wormtail came forward, and all four occupants of the room went to the spot where the Dark Lord had lain, and peered down.

There was a cockroach, quite large for one, actually, and it was skittering around in confusion. Lucius sneered in disgust.

Potter lifted his slipper-clad foot and stamped on it. It was squashed with simultaneous crunching, bubbling and farting noises.

Silence. Lucius raised an eyebrow at Potter, who was looking satisfied.

Suddenly the door burst open and Narcissa and Draco hurried in. "Oh my," said Narcissa, as Draco ran to Potter and they proceeded to hug and kiss in a very nauseating fashion, "what happened here - Bella?!"

Bellatrix shrieked and wailed. "Ohhhh my master! My master is dead! EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

"Calm down, sister dear," Narcissa cooed as she took her sister into her arms and smoothed down her greasy hair. "Now really, you haven't been looking after yourself, have you? Don't worry, Cissy's here…"

"_Avada kadvra!_" shouted Draco suddenly. Lucius turned to him sharply as Wormtail fell to the floor, dead.

"Now honestly Draco," Lucius scolded, "what was that for?"

"Sorry Father," Draco shrugged, "but he was really, really ugly. It's criminal!"

"Well I think that's enough excitement for one night," said Narcissa, gesturing for everyone to leave the room. "Let's go to the dining room and have a nice spot of tea, hmm? Maybe some hot cocoa for the boys."

There were mutters of affirmatives from everyone as they all filed out. Lucius called for a house elf to get them some tea and hot chocolate, and could one of you please clean that mess in the study, you useless excuses for garden rats?

They all sat around in the dining room, drinking hot drinks silently in their night clothes. After a few moments, the fire-place flared green and Severus stepped out, looking a little less than his calm self. He stood, staring around at the occupants of the long mahogany table with narrow, beady eyes.

"Lucius," he said finally, coming over to Lucius's side. "The Mark -"

Lucius waved a hand. "Calm yourself, Severus. Mine is gone too. It would seem my soon-to-be son-in-law destroyed the Dark Lord."

Severus looked at Potter, who lifted his chin defiantly and glared back.

The Potions Master sat down heavily next to a whimpering Bellatrix, and poured himself some tea. "I don't know which is more frightful: that Potter was able to destroy the most powerful wizard to exist for centuries, or that he will be married into the Malfoy family."

Narcissa reached around her sister and patted Severus's hand in sympathy.

End.

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Chuck us a review if you've got the time and energy. I hope it was high up on most people's funny meter. If not, say so. Ta!


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